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[29 Feb 2004|05:57pm] |
When randomly walking the streets and coffeehouses, the chances you're going to run into a casual acquaintence are probably next to nothing. Los Angeles isn't exactly a small neighborhood friendly kind of city where you know everyone, everybody says hi to each other and knows each other by name, and each person's typical coffee or alcohol order by heart. I'd like to move to a small or even medium sized city someday because I have that small city syndrome. I grew up in a small city and I think there's a certain close-knittedness that I learned to miss in regards to that. So-and-so's dad knows so-and-so's dad because their great grandfathers worked together on the railroad or fought in World War Two.
So when I was doing my somewhat typical but not so normal coffeehouse wandering in which I usually don't order any coffee if I'm in any awake state (because coffee drains the calcium right out of your bones, tsk tsk, you coffee drinking crowd), I was pleasantly surprised to cross paths with Mr. Ben McKenzie and steal his attention for a few moments. There wasn't a word of what we were doing or what to do, just that evening coffee shop conversation that two people share when they don't have anywhere to be or anyone else to talk to or any hot and pressing issues to be discussed.
To be continued, or something like that.
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[26 Feb 2004|06:38pm] |
Relationships are like seasons and each one passes with a different stage in time, with variations in the wind and weather. The forecast usually isn't on target, but it keeps you on both feet. I have a tendency to classify my relationships in life, friendship or otherwise, by seasons. It's an odd classification system, and it doesn't have to make sense to anyone but me because it's my own private way of explaining why what went the way it went and when it went how it went. Try that tongue twister. It doesn't all make sense, it's just a huge bad metaphorical calendar. My last significant relationship was the autumn. Leaves falling in oranges and browns and rich reds and swirling back and fourth to be raked up in crowded pathways, but not before each hue and view was richly pictured and painted in the mind every morning to learn something new from each incident, now just a memory of. The end of each relationship is a kind of resurrection headstone, with a rest in peace with the memories as lessons learned from it.
The winter relationships are by firelight, in front of and by the fireplace, telling and making stories, drinking hot chocolate, going sledding, building snowmen, doing last minute Christmas shopping, looking for that one perfect gift for the person who's the most difficult to buy for, and finding it at the last minute. Having that satisfaction of finding that and then watching that person unwrap that. Winter relationships don't even have to take place in the winter. They're the kind that make you warm inside at any point in time at all. Despite weather, despite surroundings, or anything else at all. The kind that are sweet and bittersweet, with varying, unpredictable highs and lows, and fire and ice.
The spring relationships are the most refreshing. They're made of pastel pinks and blues and yellows and each one is so new and different that the similarities end before they begin. They're generally intoxicating when you breathe in and awakening when you exhale. The pollen in them makes you sneeze every once in awhile and all in all, the only thing you have to be careful of here is making sure that no one gets crucified at the end.
And the summer relationships. Quick. Hot. Words without words and demands without explanations or reason. Swimming in the water and catching each other until the water rises, dries up, or ices over, depending on which season blows in next.
I miss my autumn. This was full of really bad metaphors.
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[23 Feb 2004|11:28pm] |
Whether it's PC to say this or not, I have to. I'm completely beguiled whenever someone says they're waiting "to be saved" by someone, or that they've been saved by someone in a relationship. That's completely and sickeningly dependent and beyond everything I believe in. To a point I think anyone grows absorbed and attached in a relationship and that's pretty understandable. When you dig a person, you spend time with that person, grow close to that person. But who ever said anyone about growing so dependent that its disgusting? It just doesn't sit very well with me to depend on someone else for your saving any your own personal well-being. It's not a lack of faith in relationships, it's a lack of faith in flawed human nature. If you're clinging on to some "savior" and one of you has to fuck up the balance eventually and watch everything come crashing down, who are you going to run to?
That's a mini-rant. Don't talk to me about being saved. Don't talk to be about saving or waiting to be saved. Talk to me about doing something incredible and impeccable and different and spectacular.
The point of this update is that there is none and I miss Sanoe and I'm becoming a Chinese takeout whore with nightly menus of schezuan vegetables, extra spicy, and steamed rice on the side.
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[21 Feb 2004|12:02am] |
Operation Kidnap Sanoe is underway and I think I'm quite entitled to the twinge of smugness I'm feeling at the moment. I'm going to woo her so fast she won't know what hit her and take her grocery shopping and teach her how to cook. So much to do, so little time. Such is life. I have a preoccupation, a thing, for grocery shopping. To most people that's going to seem some amount of incredibly bizarre but it's the most normal thing in the world to me. Who are you if you can't pick out your own produce? I like the mom and pop supermarkets and not the huge chain monopolistic grocery stores. Small business, supporting the self-made, meeting the family who's owned the store for numerous generations and the brother and sister and cousin team doing the bagging at check-outs. I told you it was bizarre, you were warned before you proceeded with reading.
While we're on ticks/odd habits, I also collect forks. Some people collect Hard Rock Cafe menus, some people collect rocks or stickers or keychains or matches. I collect forks. And chopsticks. I'm a horrible chopstick lifter and whenever I dine out at a Chinese restaurant I frequently make my way out with them. Had the pleasure of dining at a place that actually had plastic, reusable chopsticks about a month ago and I have those sitting in my utensil drawer for whenever I become a chopstick user. I'm better off finger-eating than attempting those.
I'm craving a double shot latte and a good night's rest but that never comes easily. And what sleep with Sanoe around, I don't think that's exactly a high priority on the list.
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[18 Feb 2004|07:20pm] |
I never call, I never update, I never buy Michelle and Sanoe dinner like good platonic girlfriends do, clearly I have gone completely nuts and lost any sanity at all that was remained somewhere in my mind. You can scold me this once and get off without me scoffing. I hope everyone's seen Win a Date With Tad Hamilton! by now to help pad my pockets because I need something other than these homemade peanut butter and sandwiches I've been forced to live on, dramatic sigh.
I've always liked the winter at first but it lasts too long. If you're somewhere other than Los Angeles, I think it's worse because you have to deal with snow which is nice at first if it gets you a day off or extra hour in bed, but it just gets annoying and bothersome after awhile. I can stand proudly and say I've never shoveled a snowy driveway but at some point in time that will probably change.
I used to have a daily routine that consisted of waking up at my alarm clock's insistence, going to get an inedible breakfast from any fast food place, and then trudging in on set late whining and still asleep. I've changed it to granola bars because I'm too fickle but they're actually the bane of my existence.
New AIM: beyond bosworth. Say hi sometime.
( brackety things )
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[10 Jan 2004|11:32pm] |
The second that I turned 21 I bought myself a six pack of Corona and indulged in the process of intoxication completely. You would think that for someone who was introduced to the act of drinking at 16 years old, that it would be old news.
I have longed for complete independence for as long as I can remember. Being able to buy cigarettes, and alchohol all on my own was such an exciting idea. Going dance clubs and strip clubs, and using my own I.D, minus the anxiety that comes with sneaking around. Most people on their 21st birthday hit up bars and clubs with friends and drink themselves silly until they can't walk straight. Instead, I got in my car and went to the liquor store and made the night a party of my own. I had a great birthday.
I am way long overdue, but Happy New Year, everyone. I went to a party, but didn't party too hard. A friend of mine who I had known from high school threw this insane bash. It wasn't my scene, so I layed low the whole time. Needless to say, I didn't get kissed at midnight.
And most importantly, Happy belated Birthday, Ian. I didn't forget you.
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[24 Dec 2003|06:22pm] |
I know I should be updating right now, but I am too tired, and there are too many people around me to entertain.
Merry Christmas.
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[28 Nov 2003|08:22pm] |
Thanksgiving tends to always give me a migraine. I have a big family and every year I am required to join in the festivities at one of my aunts houses. It completely baffles me as to how it is supposed to be a holiday of giving thanks, and yet every year someone always gets into a fight with someone else over anything they could possibly think of. This year it was my turn.
About an hour after dinner my mother pulled me aside and asked me why I haven't settled down. By settled down she means in a monogamous relationship. Of course I shunned her away and yelled quite a bit but then she got me wondering. I couldn't pinpoint a reason as to why I can't meet anyone. Throughout my high school years it wasn't hard for me to mesh with a guy. I'd like to think that I am pretty outgoing. Lately I have been so withdrawn from the dating scene. Maybe it's because I am waiting for something to happen that may never be again. The funny thing is that I don't want to move on from you.
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[18 Nov 2003|10:30pm] |
Sometimes you just feel like shit.
I am obviously a fan of horrible one liners.
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| There goes my sanity! |
[11 Nov 2003|06:46pm] |
I thought it was somewhat bizarre that Aaron Carter commented to one of my entries asking me if I liked my forehead. Hahahahha. Oh, I know I have a huge forehead but I mean, that is really funny. Anywho. It looks as if I have a new boyfriend every week. I had no idea that I had dated Topher Grace. I wish someone would inform me when I find a new mate.
I am realizing that as time goes by my entries are becoming more and more meaningless. Not that it's a bad thing but I sound like a complete ass 99% of the time and I am sure that is a complete turn off to anyone who reads this. It isn't like I don't have anything to say because I do have tons of thoughts on my mind that I would love to get down in words but this place here isn't the right place to express certain thoughts and feelings. Why am I updating?
Someone make me icons.
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[09 Nov 2003|12:53am] |
I hate seasonal changes. My theory is that the seasons are too short which causes immediate distress as soon as the weather takes its turn. It's like from spring to summer is an okay transition considering throughout the progression of spring the air tends to become less moist and more dry which leads you straight into summer, which is a season complete with weather of that magnitude constantly. I can tolerate that but when autumn drastically transcends into winter all in a weeks time in tends to catch up with me. It is cold as shit outside and I am sitting here buddled up with a huge mug of coffee sitting in my lap shivering because, according to my buildings maintenance man "..it's not time to send up the heat yet!". Great, so if I catch pneumonia and the flu I can give it all to Ian because he is annoying. Just kidding, Hi Ian. :) I just read this entire paragraph over and I sound like a raging lunatic. You'll deal.
I have been thinking for the past week and a half about possibly moving to New York. The atmosphere is always amazing, no matter what weather. The lights and the glitz and glamour have attracted me ever since I was a little girl and I am finally realizing now that I would absolutely love to live there. I feel like it would be a fantastic move on my part. I can't stay in one solid place for too long. I always need a change and New York seems like the right one for me. I love Broadway shows, I love shopping in SoHo, I love the Radio City Christmas Spectacular. I love it all. I am looking into leasing an apartment. If all goes well the deal will be signed by next week and I am out of here. I know this was spur of the moment but when I get an idea, I tend to run with it all the way.
If Ian doesn't sign online soon I am going to shoot his dick off. Hahaha, thank Jessica Simpson for that wonderful phrase.
My account is gone so I am so not willing to delete my icons even if 2 of them are frozen. Aren't I pathetic?
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[27 Oct 2003|08:37pm] |
I love days like this. The days where the only sound being heard is coming from the warm rain beating down on your window and maybe the churping of a cricket once and a while. My entire day was spent hugging a pint of Cherry Garcia with my eyes glued to the television set. I wasn't even paying attention to the TV. For all I know, I was probably watching the weather channel all day without even realizing it. Only because my mind was fixated on something else.
For some reason I just cannot stop thinking about what was or what could be. I know that I shouldn't be this infatuated with the fact of you but I am. It's blantantly clear, and you probably know all of this already. I don't even know if I should expressing any of this so clearly at this point in time but I can't help it. Maybe I am being all too unfair. I'm sitting here longing for something that is right in front of me but yet I still yearn for more. I don't know if that makes any sense. I am starting to think that I am still living in the past and even though things haven't changed much between us since then, I feel as if being your friend isn't enough. It is enough, though. I just need to come to realize that my selfishness is taking it's toll once again and that can't happen anymore. I promise that I am going to try to adjust to situations that absolutely, one hundred percent need adjustment. I don't even know what possessed me to write about any of this.
I have been posting way too much lately and that, to me, is way too bizarre.
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[25 Oct 2003|07:59pm] |
October reminds me of you.
I walked into my apartment, reluctant at first knowing that the aroma of cigarette smoke and men's cologne could possibly be the scent you were bearing at the time. I took off my coat and curiously rushed into my living area where you were sitting just staring blankly into a wall painted white. You were acting as if space and time didn't matter. Why you were there, I hadn't a clue.
You had the gentlest hands I had ever felt in my twenty years. I sat down next to you and took your hand in mine gently drawing small circles on your palm. You brought my newly lotioned hand to your lips and gently kissed my fingers. One at a time, just like you used to. I loved when you did that.
I could only sense love and longing in your eyes. Whenever I looked into your eyes it seemed as if you were pouring your soul into mine and nothing else mattered but the fact that our eyes were locked together for that second. Your kisses were always gentle and sweet. You took your time as if it were your priority to make sure a look of satisfaction was on my face afterwards. That was enough for me. I didn't want or need anything else from you.
I can remember waking up in your arms the next morning feeling brand new. I liked that feeling a lot.
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[19 Oct 2003|06:24pm] |
Being connected to the things that you love is what makes life special. The tranquillity of water and the serenity of the trees, the air, and the sky are all factors of happiness in their own small but genuine way. The cry of a newborn baby is of pure happiness to its mother & the soft sound of a basketball going through the hoop's net brings tears of joy to a proud fathers eyes. It's the little things in life that count.
It doesn't take much of anything to bring a smile to my face. Just being around somebody who can make me feel comfortable & loved brings enough satisfaction to last me quite a while. Sharing a cigarette and talking for hours on end about all of the random things that life throws our way means more to me than the physical aspect of anything at all.
Ian once told me that I should focus more on the important things rather than the petty things. To be completely honest, I don't know what I would do without him. I would probably have to get up the nerve to buy tampons, and cigarettes myself from now on.
I spent all of this weekend thinking things over. I should probably come around these halls more often but to tell you the truth, I have been extremely busy so please don't kill me. I owe Michelle and Sanoe a call. I hope they don't hate me. ;)
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[17 Oct 2003|09:05pm] |
Hello. :-*
How hot is my new default icon? I sent the full size picture to Ian earlier in an attempt to seduce and then lure him to my bed, but he caught onto my not-so clever ploy early in the game and my plans were foiled. Again. Woe is me. But anyway, while we're on the topic of sexy men I'd like to bang, why did Vin Diesel delete? He was definitely bangariffic. I'd like to hit that like it's going out of style. Mm beautiful bald men, rawr. <3
I have been meaning to ask for quite some time exactly what the difference between hot and hott is. Is hott hotter than hot? I would appreciate it if someone could clear this matter up for me, and I will show my thanks by giving copious amounts of sexual favors in return.
My brain feels like scrambled eggs and I think I'm due for a nap. Before I go, allow me to direct you to my user info page, where I've got all new interests and keywords to match.
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[17 Oct 2003|08:30pm] |
My life is over now that ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) diesel_v deleted. What shall I ever do?
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[09 Oct 2003|06:17pm] |
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Since I am a huge clutz, I deleted my screen name from the AIM client, and I don't exactly know my password. Therefore I had to change my screen name to barely boz, and that is where I will be from now on. Sorry for the inconvenience. ;)
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[02 Oct 2003|02:47pm] |
I never considered myself to be a selfish person. Naturally, I do have selfish tendancies but everybody does. It was only until recently I realized that I must be the most selfish person in the world, especially right now. Growing up it took me a while to realize that my needs don't and shouldn't always come before anyone elses. I was spoiled, and that, even now, is very hard for me to admit. I never expected anything less from my parents and I think from that mentality arose many weaknesses that I have just recently began to realize. Through the years I have noticed many characteristics in myself that I have been hesitant to try and change and improve but I can't ignore who I am anymore. There is always room for improvement.
Stressed is an understatement of how I have been feeling these days. Wonderland premiered and that alone has me breaking out in hives every five minutes. I hope people like it and give it some postitive feed. If not, whatever.
The only reason I updated was because Ian updated and I promised that I would write something if he did. He ruins all of my plans.
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[30 Sep 2003|06:28pm] |
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I refuse to update until Ian does.
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